Encouraging moms to savor the beauty of home & life in Christ

Confessions of a Waiting Adoptive Mom {Coffee Break}

Christin Slade Avatar

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Today is  my first, official, Coffee Break. The goal is to just write and forget all blogging rules. It’s good to have a break from the rules once in a while. Even better if it’s over coffee with some friends. 

The wait hasn’t been easy. Though we have waited far less then some families in the whole of the process. The reality is, the part of the process we’re still waiting on should have been completed in 60 days. Two months. We are at 145 days. Nearly five months. The wait really has stretched my faith in ways I have never known.

When we first began this process, I knew God’s hand was all over it. I had no doubts. He set everything up so beautifully. It was easy to trust when everything was going smoothly.

But these past few months have been, to the core, hard. I have had so many emotions fly around, including guilt for my own impatience and distrust. And let me tell you how real heart ache really is. Seriously. It’s not just a figure of speech or some kind of notion. My heart has literally ached, hurt, felt pain, as the weeks and months have passed by and our daughters are left asking us when we are coming to get them.

See Margaret up there in the picture (to the right). She’s holding a phone in her hand. Talking to me. Asking me that very question. “When are you coming back to get us?” It was so hard not to cry giving her an answer that I really didn’t have an answer to. “We are working really hard to come back very soon.” How’s that for an answer?

I have found myself glued to my email on days and weeks when I know we are expecting some kind of news. I’ve been stressed, irritated, and constantly want to eat chocolate. (Seriously).

There was one day I was genuinely angry at God and I have never been in that place before. I was angry at things that hadn’t even come to pass. I was worried everything would fall apart on us and our girls would never come home. It was irrational, honestly.

There have been times I felt like the punch line of a bad joke. Or that I was in a nightmare I could not wake up from. Like God was going to break His promise. Even though my head knows better!

To make matters harder, we have watched more then one family bring their children home who were “behind” us in the adoption process. Am I happy for them? Absolutely! It’s strange because I cry tears of joy for them and tears of sorrow for us at the same time, because here we are still waiting

“God, are we being punished? Tested? Are you not hearing our prayers because we have sin? What is it Lord? Why are we waiting so long?”

But their story is not our story.

And it’s nobody’s fault. I mean, not really. Everybody over there is doing their job. They are doing what they are supposed to do to make certain we have all the correct, legal documents, correct spellings, accurate information to ensure these precious girls are indeed orphans, and not trafficked. I am not against that at all.

It’s just that, some aspects of this process have drug on unnecessarily and some have been necessary and it’s hard either way.

One of the things I try to remind myself is that these girls are God’s children before they are ours, and He has them well cared for. He really does. It’s not ideal. But it’s working for now, while we wait.

I haven’t slept well and often find myself falling asleep praying and thinking about what life will be like when they are home.

God has truly knit our hearts together with our new girls, even an ocean apart. This time has not been in vain and that much I can see. And for that I thank God. Faith has never been so hard to walk out, I don’t think.

I am forced to trust in what I literally cannot see. It’s easy for me to trust the Gospel message. Why is it so hard to trust that God will see these girls home?

This whole thing was God’s idea. It was His plan. And here I am trying to snatch it from Him and take it over. Be in control. Act like I know better. Like I know what’s best.

So, this is some of what’s been on my heart and trying to figure out the best way to get it out was actually stifling it. So here it is, pretty much unedited. That’s what these Coffee Breaks are all about. And boy did it feel good to get out!

In addition, here is a song that has really struck me these last couple of days. Click here to view video.

Thank you for chatting with me over coffee. Feel free to leave a comment, and feel free not to as well! 🙂

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Christin Slade Avatar
  1. Karen Lynne Avatar
    Karen Lynne

    Sweet sister, I so hear you. I too am an adoptive mother, and have experienced everything you have -sleepless nights, anxiety, feeling like I was being punished. I waited for my son for a year and a half. We were matched with him when he was only 6 weeks old, told we would have him in our arms at 6 months. But the Guatemalan court system is not our court system, and there were so many setbacks and disappointments, I thought I was going to lose my mind!! It is also hard having other children, who are anxious and confused as to what is taking so long. I remember my 8 year old melting down one time, “Why isn’t he here!! He is never coming, ever!!!”
    Anthony is now 7 years old. You know how after you give birth, you forget all the pain and angst with labor and delivery? Well, you will forget all this too! Once they are home all the memories of sleepless nights and sadness will go up in a puff of smoke. Honestly, it feels like we have had my son forever, like there was never a time we didn’t have him. You will get there too!!

    Our agenda isn’t the Lord’s. He works in his own sweet time, and this is where your trust in him will be tested. Believe me, I know just how painful this is. My son’s adoption process twisted my faith in all kinds of directions. Hugs to you, and know that I am praying for your family. It will all turn our joyous!

    1. Christin Avatar
      Christin

      Thank you so much Karen. I truly appreciate you sharing your story here and keeping us in prayers. And I believe you! And one thing I’ve thought of that I don’t want to regret, is all my griping and complaining about needing to wait. God’s got a purpose in it. I must trust that!

  2. Lorene Avatar
    Lorene

    Right there with you, except ours is waiting in Domestic adoption. it is such an emotional roller coaster ride, stretching much more then I thought possible. Love that song- Thanks for sharing:)

  3. Wanda Bunn Avatar

    I have been where you are. My prayers are with you! God WILL move forward with this…just have faith and stay strong!

  4. Andrea Veitch Avatar

    My husband and I brought our little girl home nearly six weeks ago. Don’t be worried about feeling angry at God – he’s big enough to take it! My daughter has tantrums and at first I used to get completely freaked out. But I read up on it and now I’m able to understand and help her manage the situation better. I’d doesn’t need to read up on us, he created us. Our names are written on the palms of his hand. Remember how Martha and Mary rebuked Jesus when their brother died? “If you had been here Lord, he would not have died.” His response?Jesus wept. This was despite the fact that he knew that his delay meant God was going to be glorified. God understand you pain. When you feel like this again just let it all out then rest in him – this is what my little one does 😉

    1. Christin Avatar
      Christin

      Wow Andrea. That really helped me see this (and my feelings) in a whole new light. *Thank you* so much. Thank you. Sometimes all I can think of is God being like me, “Can’t you just be patient?!” I am so glad He is better than that!
      Blessings on your journey, Andrea.

  5. Cassandra Avatar

    Hi Christin… wow. It sounds like you’ve been having such a tough time lately. I’ll be praying for you as you continue to seek God’s peace in this hard situation. He’s got your girls in His might hands. His timing is perfect. Not always easy, but perfect. My best friend is from Kenya. She was able to come to Canada with her husband but once she was here, he son (he’s 10) was denied residency. He’s still in Kenya (almost 2 years later) while she fights the system to get him back. These things are so hard, and it’s so difficult to find hope in the midst of stress… but that’s what Christ does for us, isnt’ it? Cling to Him. I look so forward to the day I get an email in my inbox and it’s the post about their homecoming… it will come, sister!!! (hug)

  6. Jacinta Avatar

    Wow, thank you for sharing. Waiting upon the Lord for children of our own is what my husband and I are going through now, and reading your post just makes me feel so encouraged and ministered to. Definitely not an easy season to go through, but God is good, and He will make all things beautiful in His time. God bless you & your family! 🙂

  7. alice Avatar
    alice

    Thanks for sharing, be blessed.

  8. Cassie Avatar

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